Consider that I was not socialized as a woman from birth; I never learned to expect the heteronormative tropes of romance and showing attraction.I suspect that at least a few gay women actually have made attempts at “making a move” and romance with my friend, but not in the manner she’d been conditioned to understand.Like those who flee the tumults of city life for quieter and less complicated pastures, bisexual women may seem destined, in the eyes of gay women, to trade the grit and hardships of queer life for the suburbs of heteroville.
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Conversely, many of my lesbian friends have complained of bi women disappearing after a few dates, or “ghosting”, as it’s called these days.
I can’t help but wonder how many bisexual women do this simply because they don’t believe — or haven’t even noticed that — the other woman is actually interested.
This socialization has immediate implications for all queer romance, but presents an even greater obstacle for a potential lesbian and bisexual pairing, as illustrated by the following quote from a very good friend of mine (who’s also a bi woman):“Honestly, I don’t even like men all that much. But they make me feel wanted and desired in a way that very few women ever do.
Even when a particular girl is gay and says she’s into me, it’s like pulling teeth just to get her to flirt with me or make a move…”One of the most pervasive challenges I’ve experienced with dating after I transitioned has been maintaining the interest of cisgender bisexual women without having to perform romance in the same heteronormative manner I’d been taught back when I lived as a boy.
But is this really because we prefer a life of white-picket simplicity and comfort?
Or could it be that, when it comes to romance between queer women, the game has been rigged from the start?
I have since transitioned, and now live as a bisexual woman.
From an early age boys and girls are taught that relationships are successfully obtained by performing “complementary” roles of cat and mouse, pursuer and pursued, the actor and the acted-upon.
While I understand that I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences, I’ve written this article with two particular perspectives in mind:1.